allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
