franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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