Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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