LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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