You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
