I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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