NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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