Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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