We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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