I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i want to swaddle you in tequila
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Randomize
