The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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