it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
