Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
