I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
