When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
