Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
