Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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