Someone shit on the floor
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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