Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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