my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
