god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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