I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
