i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
