Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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