dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize