I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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