The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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