Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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