just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
