It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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