how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
