I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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