While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just want nice things and good sex
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
