You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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