her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
