she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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