Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
