My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
