I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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