I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
That accounts for only three of the penises
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
