worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize