You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize