Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
