Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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