I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
