and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
