Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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