her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
