yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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