Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
You left your phone here
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