your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
