honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
