I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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