I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize