There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
