Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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