i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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