you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
