"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
