I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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