Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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