He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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