I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Randomize
