Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
